A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.

“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.

His mother asked, “What was the question?”

“Where’s Portugal.”

“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”

She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal. Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal. She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.

“I swear Portugal can’t be far.

The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”

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An older, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something much more special.”

The jeweller went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back.

“This one’s $40,000.”

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her wh*le body trembled with excitement.

The old man said, “I’ll take it!”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man said,

“By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on
Monday to verify funds. I’ll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon.”

Monday morning, the jeweller called the old man saying,

“There’s no money in that account!”

The old man said, “I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!”

All The Organs Of The Body Were Having A Meeting

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge……

“I should be in charge,” said the brain ,

“Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge

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A blonde is swimming in a river.

A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?”

She says, “I’m washing my clothes.”

The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?”

The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.”

A Lady Finds Out That She Is Pregnant

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn’t want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says “Rub your belly once a day every day and say ‘Be polite, be polite.’ “

So she starts doing so. But as the pregnancy goes on, her husband’s attitude gets worse. Instead of supporting her he gets more angry, more often, being super rude ask the time and really stressing her out. She starts to rub her belly more and more often. Instead of once a day it becomes two times, three times, ten times, a hundred, till she is almost constantly rubbing and reciting “be polite, be polite, be polite.”

The due date arrives, no sign of the birth. A few days pass, not a contraction to be felt. Weeks turn into months, months turn into years, no baby is born. Eventually she dies at the ripe old age of 92. The medical examiner conducting her autopsy cuts open her belly and discoverers two identical middle-aged men saying “After you, ” “No, no, after you.”

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An old man walks into a jewelry store with a young blonde lady

The clerk immediately thinks he is being taken advantage of due to the age difference.

She says to the clerk “Show me an expensive ring.” The clerk looks over at the old man and he gives a head nod.

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The clerk pulls out a ring and tells her “this one is $50,000 dollars.” She says its nice but I want something nicer. Once again he looks at the old man and gets another head nod. “This is one of our finest rings it costs over $300,000.” She says “I love it ill take it!” The old man writes a check for the ring. The clerk says due to the dollar value it will take 3 days for the check to clear, please come back Monday morning to pick up the ring.”

On Monday morning the man returns to the store by himself. The clerk says “sir unfortunately the check did not go thru due to insignificant funds.” The man says “oh I know it was never gonna clear. I just wanted to come in and tell you about my weekend!”

A Blonde Is Swimming In A River

A blonde is swimming in a river.

A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?”

She says, “I’m washing my clothes.”

The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?”

The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.”

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His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if he wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year…’ He then crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one month.’

Still he wasn’t happy, so he crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one week.’ His head in a spin, he tore up the paper and went for a walk.

As he passed the local church, he noticed a nativity scene. When nobody was looking, he grabbed the figure of Mary, hid it under his coat and ran home.

There he composed a new letter. ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…’

Thanksgiving Meal

A young woman goes to her boyfriend’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting his family, and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine Thanksgiving meal.

The young lass is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the beans.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit, and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed…

Her boyfriend’s father looked over at the family dog that had been snoozing at the young woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice,

“Charlie!”

The young woman thought to herself, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn’t even hesitate.

She let a much louder and longer one squeal.

The father again looked at the dog and growled,

“Get out from under the table!”

Once again the young lady smiled and thought, “Yes!”

A few minutes later our petite heroine had to let another one free.

She let go a blast that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust, and yelled,

“Move Charlie before she shats on you!”

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After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

“What does that mean?” She asked.

“Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!” he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, “So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?”

He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!

Stupid Or Smart

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer; “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks; “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber.

“That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them.

The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”

The boy lowers his gaze but does not answer. The preacher raises his voice further, shakes his finger in the boy’s face, and bellows, “Where is God?!”

The boy screams and runs directly home and dives into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother finds him in the closet, he asks, “What happened?” “Why are you shaking?”

Gasping for breath, the younger brother replies, “We are in BIG trouble this time.

A man finds a magic lantern on the beach

A man finds a magic lantern on the beach A genie comes out and says “I will grand you three wishes, but I’m a different type of genie, I need you to know whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double.”

The guy is kind of amazed the genie knows about his ex-wife, but he goes ahead and starts making wishes.

“I wish I had a million dollars.” Boom, he gets a million dollars, but 2 million goes directly into his ex-wife’s bank account.

“I wish I had an enormous mansion.” Boom, he gets an enormous mansion, but his ex-wife gets TWO mansions.

“Now think carefully about your last wish, your ex wife will get double whatever it is”

“Ok genie, I’d like you to take me out back and beat me half to death”

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