“Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return…”

She sent another text,

“And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you……”

He texted _“ really ?”

She replied –

“No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

‘Oh, Ma,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’

Then Jessica burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Ma. ‘

‘Calm down, Jessica!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’

Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’

SEE MORE: An Angry Wife To Her Husband On Phone

Silent Wife

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year.

Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in eighteen months.’

Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, ‘Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.’

Footnote:

Nigel’s wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst. So Nigel had to go to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

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A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

“I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn’t have your seat belt fastened.”

The man said, “I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.”

The Patrol Man said to the man’s wife, “I know he didn’t have his seatbelt fastened. Isn’t that right, lady?”

She replied,

“Well, officer.

I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he’s drunk”

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,

decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you.

Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.

“He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes

she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.

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A newly married couple are in b3d when the man asks his wife how many men she has s-l-e-p-t with

After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.

The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you s-l-e-p-t with?”

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”

Still silence from his wife.

The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”

Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and k1ssing her, showing his a.f.f.e.c.t.i.o.n.

While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband,

“D*mn it! You made me lose count!”

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names: ‘The tender one’ ‘The amazing one’ ‘Lady of my dreams’. She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number to which his sister replied. When she dialed the third number her own phone rang.

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as

‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’

A Newly Married Couple Are In Bed

A newly married couple are in bed when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.

The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?”

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”

Still silence from his wife.

The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”

Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.

While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband,

“Damn it! You made me lose count!”

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A very sick woman on her sick bed said to her husband:

Honey if I die, how long would it take you before you marry a another wife…?!

The man replied:

Till your grave becomes dry my love.

Then she said: Are you promissing me this…?

Husband replied: Of course darling … I promise you.

And after her demise, her husband began to visit her grave everyday for a period of one year.

And the grave was always wet, it never became dry…!!!

And a day came when he visited the graveyard in the evening, he found her brother in the graveyard.

He then asked him: Jason what are you doing here…?

He replied: I’m fulfilling the wish of my only sister. She said I should please come here everyday to wet her grave.

A Guy Had A Crush On This Girl

He followed her wherever she went. One day the girl noticed and asked the guy.

Girl: Why do you keep following me?

Boy: Because you’re so pretty and I think I’m falling in love with you.

Girl: Really? But you haven’t met my friend yet. She’s prettier then me and she’s right behind you.

(The Boy Tums Around)

Boy: Are you making fun of me? There’s no one behind me.

Girl: No, but if you really loved me, you wouldn’t even bother to look back.

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“Honey..your favourite breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy grocery… I’ll come running back to you, my love. I love you…. ”

He gets surprised and asks his son.., ‘what happened last night..?’

Son told: ” when mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said…… Hey Lady! Leave Me Alone… I M Married !!!”

Thats True Love… its all crazy:))

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2.

Son: Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl.

Father: That’s great son. Who is she?

Son: It’s Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter.

Father: Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out; but a couple of months later:

Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!

Father: That’s great son. Who is she?

Son: It’s Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter.

Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister. This went on couple of times and sor was so mad, He went straight to his mother crying.

Son : Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: My love, You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your Father..!!