Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God.

“Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don’t let my husband find out.”

Suddenly she hears a voice from above:

“Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning.”

The woman hesitates at first but then responds,

“Alright Lord, if it means he’ll never find out, then so be it.”

The next years of her life are happy and wonderful.

She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.

One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship.

A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink.

Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:

“God, you’re not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?”

She hears a familiar voice:

“Are you kidding me? I’ve been working to gather all you cheaters here for years.”

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine for a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached into her purse again, pulled out a dollar, and inserted it into the machine. Studying the device carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic, and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents, put them in the machine, studied it for a moment, and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.

As she reached into her purse again, the businessman, who’d been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. “Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?”

She looked at him and indignantly asked,

“Well, can’t you see I’m still winning?”

SEE MORE: An Angry Wife To Her Husband On Phone

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on.

She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut

She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.

The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.

She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.

This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.

After a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair.

To wake her, the stylist took off the headphones.

The blond immediately fell on the floor, flopped and di .ed.

Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.

They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”

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When she comes she is surprised to see her grandchild running to her as if possessed and hugging her with all his tiny might.

“What is it, Eric??” She asks

“Now that you’re here, grandma, we have everything!”

“Whatever do you mean?” Inquired the surprised granny.

“When you called, mom said: ‘That’s all we need right now.’ So now that you’re here, we have all we need!”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hair is white?”

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“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?” Asked the hairdresser. “It’s crowded and dirty. You are crazy to go to Rome. So how do you get there?”

“We’ll take Continental,” she replied. “We have a great price!”

“Continental?” shouted the hairdresser. “Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they are always late. That’s a terrible airline. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We will be at this little exclusive place called Teste on the Tiber River.”

“Do not go further. I know this place. Everyone thinks it’s going to be special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, one of the finest hotels in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s
suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me…”

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”

He asked me, “Who screwed up your hair?”

What do you think? Do you like this hilarious story?

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“Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money at that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day?’”

Wife, with a smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”

Husband: “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.

They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plow your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

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A little boy wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally, her mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

The little boy tells himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo.

He wondered where all the other animals were but was still happy to see the horses.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” the boy replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” His mother asked.

“Yes, Daddy especially liked it,” the boy exclaimed enthusiastically, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!

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This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde woman for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”

The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods…

“I’ll tell you, I’d thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

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“Mom, am I adopted?”

“No of course not!”, his mother replied. “Why would you think such a thing?”

George showed her the results of his genealogy DNA test.

No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Worried, his mother called her husband.

“Honey, George did a DNA test and…and…I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“It was your idea in the first place,” her husband said. “You remember, that first night in the hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you
asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!

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He walks into an “Everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

He sits down, greets the manager, and shakes his hand.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The man replies, “Yes, I was a saleman back home in Alabama”

They talk and get to know each other and the manager likes him so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come by after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he pulled through it.

After the store closed, the manager came down just like he said, “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The man replies, “One.”

The boss looks at him and shouts, “Just one!? Our salespeople have an average of 20 to 30 customers per day! “

“How much was the sale for!?”

The man replies “$121,237.65”

The boss was now shocked: “What did you sell?”

The man says, “First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then a new fishing rod. So I asked him where he was going to fish and he
said on the coast, so I told him he needed a good boat, we went down to that department, and he got a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull the boat, so I took him to the automotive department and sold him a truck.”

The boss frowned and said, “A man came here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck???”

The man replied, “No”, the guy actually came here to buy some t.a.m.p.o.n.s for his wife and I said, “Man, your weekend’s busted, might as well go fishing’.”

The following day, the boss gave the young man a promotion…

What a comeback! I was laughing so hard I couldn’t keep my coffee inside.

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One day, my daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I have a school project and I need it”

I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was “The oldest thing in my house.”

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, “Dad, am I a pure polar bear?”

The dad replies, “Sure you are son. I’m all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.”

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I a pure polar bear?”

She answers, “Of course you are honey. I’m all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?”

The baby polar bear replies, “Because I’m f****** freezing!”

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